– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
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A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Oh. My. God.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
“How funny would it be if we made the packaging hard to open on a regular day, but nearly impossible if you’re bleeding out?”
– makers of band-aids
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.