– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
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My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
my astrological sign is a french fry
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps