Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”

Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.

Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.

Owl Sanctuary

*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*

*I’m still not sure*

*through a mouthful of Nutella*

Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.

[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…

fish: yeah this happens a lot

Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.

you could not pay me to delete this app

Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.

god: i’m gonna make you murdery

cat: sweet

god: but small

cat: what

god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ

‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputy

THINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriff

THINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your hand

THINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for love

THINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’

Me: I really can’t stay

Him: Baby it’s cold outside

Me: I’ve got to go away

Him: Baby it’s cold outside

Me: Just let me go!

Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?

Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.

my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.

You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.

Wild horses could easily drag me away.

In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.

How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night

Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).

I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital

it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift

Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”

I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.

Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

(Every historical tour)

Them: this site is amazing, look at the architecture

Me: Oh wow very cool

Them: Anyway so the atrocities committed on this site include genoci…

cop: know why I pulled you over?

fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick

Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”

STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.

i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”