Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
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Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Festival
Pretzel vendor: Pretzel, fair lady?
Me: No, thank you.
PV: *clutching chest dramatically* NO pretzel? You wound me! You break my heart, m’lady. I am shattered. I am IN DESPAIR!
Me: OMG stop that! Just give me the pretzel.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.