Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Me: I’m sorry. I never know what to do with my hands, especially when I’m nervous
Driving instructor: *screaming intensifies
They’re the worst 😩
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Me: It’s a dinosaur park…
Investor: Oh god yes, here is enough money to cover it going horrifically bad multiple times