Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?

Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.

Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse

ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*

DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?

ME:

DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now

Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?

Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore

[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters

Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.

It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.

To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:

Do you want something from the gas station?

me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.

Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?

Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.

10 minutes later:

Me: So… I snore??

My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.

If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym

Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.

So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.

How’s your day

this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over

Took my son fishing and as I was carefully baiting the hook he came up to me with a minnow he caught in a ziplock bag and said ‘daddy you’re trying too hard’.

2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.

Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.

Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.

You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.

“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats

excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces

I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.

The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..

Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us

ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too

DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?

ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?

Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child

‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.

date: i like a guy who’s strong-

me: i can bench 130 lbs

date: enough to tell the truth

me: on the moon

If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler