Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
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I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
The invention of fish in the early 1900’s was the best thing to ever happen to the tartar sauce industry.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
same energy
Roses are red
Violets are blue
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
Angel: Ink, suction cups, and parrot beaks
God: Hmmm..
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward