Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*holding flashlight to face*

And then I pressed……update all.

*children screaming*

I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.

You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.

I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.

Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes

It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad

“OMGJK” -atheists

Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?

“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”

– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car

Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.

“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.

Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂

I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies

to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak

Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.

I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops

Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.

WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid

ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen

2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again

Me: what the hell…I already did this hour

Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do

pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers

a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”

Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?

Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]

The Real Housewives of Sesame Street

You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.

Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so

I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.

I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now

Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.

[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket