Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”

Boss: “It’s 9am”

*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*

Best things to pull:

9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger

Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.

After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.

So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.

neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*

I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.

[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*

I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it

I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.

Cake!!

I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.

I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.

Me: What are you doing?

4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.

I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh

This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!

Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.

11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything

Me: Why are you digging in your ear?

3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!

Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try

When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.

Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..

me: the most exercise I get is from sex

friend: but you’re so out of shape

Not sure how to cuddle propawly

📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG

My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”

For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.

We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining

Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.

A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now

When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”

[God creating humans]

God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc

Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?

God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol