Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
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It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
No one warned me how funny it would be when my 3yo started using specific buzzwords to target my weaknesses. “Mommy, we should buy this. It is ON SALE. And it is HEALTHY FOR LITTLE CHILDREN.”
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear
I needed a laugh this morning.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.