*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
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ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
This is Sparta
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing