Hey baby, are you climate change? Cuz I believe in you.

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I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..


Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?

Me either. That’d be gross.


[mouse plane]

mouse pilot: hello folks, this is your captain squeaking-

*mouse passengers squeal with delight*


“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.


After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.


[At a Christening]

Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.

Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.


To me, being Single means never having to apologize..

Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced


I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.


Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag