Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.

At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.

*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?

*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!

I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.

5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?

Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question

Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair

Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.

You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.

The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.

This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.

Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough

Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.

are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked

I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.

If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.

[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*

Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-

Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*

jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again

i mean good morning

According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.

My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”

ㅤ

This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.

When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up

Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.

Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?

Me: when you’re a parent, you just no

[Eating canned soup]

OMG I love sodium.

Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth

She’s got a great personality!

It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….

*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it

Cop: I’m going in, cover me!

Me:*speed knits blanket*

I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.