Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*

Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate

A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.

Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..

Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.

True dat! 😂😂😂😂

DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time

Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both

There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.

You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.

So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners

“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”

Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”

Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.

WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.

therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?

me: no no, i said arsonist

therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now

me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen

Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.

“Aaaaaaaaand done!”

-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions

Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.

Jane: I miss England

Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant

I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.

People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician

Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!

9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.

Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.

9yo: You’re making it worse.

People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.

My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.

[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”

my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing

My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.

Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.