Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.

I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.

Me: don’t do it

Brain: GONNA DO IT

Me: I’m driving

Brain: HERE IT COMES

Me: there’s oncoming traffic

Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW

Me: you’re going to kill us both

Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST

Me: *pre sneeze face*

Brain: THIS AMUSES ME

Truth

My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her

A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.

11:34: Arrived at crime scene

11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle

11:34: Found murder weapon in drain

11:34: Realized watch was broken

I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.

Are black guys the ones with big dicks?

Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.

thanks auntie mary

‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”

I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.

I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.

Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…

Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.

You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?

I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.

Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.

It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.

If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.

Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.

*logs onto Facebook*

*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*

*logs off forever*

“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-

They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.

swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed

I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma

Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.

Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.

Sir, that’s a phone book.

Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.