Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
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Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.