Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.

somebody come look at this

Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.

I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.

That.

When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.

Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming

You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.

Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.

[cross-country trip]

me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap

passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus

Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?

Reasons to have a landline phone:

1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing

2. See reason #1

I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves

me: hey cat what are you up to

cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ

me: what

cat: meow

Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible

[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”

I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards

I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.

Toxic snake

Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.

There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.

I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”

I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…

I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.

Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women

First date Idea.

We tag team wrestle another couple.

I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.

I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.

Dammit.

“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.

*high fives my therapist*

“At least you tried.”

[coffee shop]

BARISTA: may i help you?

GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water

time machine? you mean a clock?

My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”

I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’