Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead

[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good

I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”

Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”

Me: I think this is going pretty well.

Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’

Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm

Him: whatcha doing over there?

Me: playing on my phone

Him: oh yeah? What game?

Me: my favorite game

Him: which one is that?

Me: …Amazon

A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.

*pulled over by cop*

Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?

*tags cop*

Me: You’re it!

Cop:

Me running away: Renewed!

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.

“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”

*sigh*

“Because you don’t b-”

“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”

I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.

You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.

Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’

Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph

“Nothing beats in-person interaction”. Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.

I made a robot to help me argue on the internet

Why is everything so sticky?

-parenthood

My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are

If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting

Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy

[concert]

lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?

me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!

Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?

Me: your what?

Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS

Me: I’m confused

Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS

Me: *crying* someone help me

WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”

People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT

Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-

Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door

FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered

Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.

boss: you’re fired

me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that

If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.

You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.

It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.