Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive

(Fancy restaurant)

Me: One food please.

If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.

I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.

how do i lose 30 pounds without cutting out baja blast, coffee creamer, and my ritual of eating 400 calories worth of candy at 11pm???

*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*

how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer

“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”

Dear White People,

Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]

someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.

Coworker: did you have a good weekend?

Me: obviously not since I came back to work.

This is your Captain speaking. Passengers with a view previously obscured by the wings may have noticed a sudden improvement

“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”

-Jesus

Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York

Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense

PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.

“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag

ah yes, the Supreme Court

a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream

Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me

Me:

Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening

I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.

If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.

2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!

[Contract Law]

BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract

ME: so there’s strings attached?

Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.

[ restaurant ]

him: how long for a table

me: about 8 feet

him: no the wait

me: ah, 90 lbs

Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today

Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.

There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.