Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???

COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.

While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.

Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.

My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover

*air fryer

A roomba that swears every time it hits something.

barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie

me: thank you for the word ‘just’

[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way

GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards

I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.

This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.

tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards

me: but that means change or rebirth, right?

tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no

Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.

Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?

Me either. That’d be gross.

I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop

Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.

We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.

😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪

[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.

Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me

Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me

I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.

If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?

Dyslexics are teople poo!

me: i’ll have a steak

waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant

me: oh

waiter:

me: ok i’ll have a vegan

Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.

*First bite of pancakes

“This is the greatest food ever!”

*Last bite of pancakes

“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”

Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.

I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.

Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why

I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.