Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail

Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.

[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man

I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…

Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.

I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.

My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you

my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met

me: ok

[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?

me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life

If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.

I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em

dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son

Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.

I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.

36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.

Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.

What do you call a laughing motorcycle?

Yamahahahahahahahahaha

IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.

I’m good, thanks.

I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.

guy cleaning a diner bathroom let me walk in but said “no poo poo” and I very seriously nodded and assured him “no poo poo”

Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.

Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*

My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.

Wait a minute

Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project

Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.

What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.

[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo

I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.

~Late night couch potato dilemma

an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today

Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”