Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it

When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.

Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.

Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.

Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”

If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*

Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.

The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.

Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.

‍‍‍‍ As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”

Boss: Can I see you in my office?

Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try

Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.

McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.

And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.

let the world know you’re kind of a big dill

I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.

OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!

“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “

museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them

One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there

I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”

“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.

i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit

Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.

Thank goodness.

hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???

I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.

For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.

You can make friends in a doctor’s waiting room as long as you have something broken and not something coughing

Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”

Child: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.

*stubs toe

*puts $100 in the swear jar

My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.