Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i now pronounce you bounced.

Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”

If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar

Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?

Hitler

My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.

i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t

I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.

At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.

BETRAYAL

I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.

If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.

Me: [smiling]

Phone: face not recognized

Me: [stuffing my mouth with tacos]

Phone: oh there you are

If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.

Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.

“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.

Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.

You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do

if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost

Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?

i don’t miss calls i stare at them

*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*

Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables

#Caturday

Thick as shit.

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1634478634676240384/pu/vid/720x800/ZC4ycaTyAOFdNlYV.mp4?tag=12

I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.

When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot

the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah

wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:

1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the death

If you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”