“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
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A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
WHO LET THE T-REX OUT OF ITS PADDOCK JESUS CHRIST DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
In 1949 a US senator attempted to ban popcorn in cinemas. During a Senate hearing about it, another senator handed out free popcorn. The law was never passed.
sometimes we need to be reminded
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off