Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
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UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Yes 😂
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.