Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
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5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you