Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
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[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Discuss
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.