@FloodyHippie
@PaperWash
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
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@PaperWash
@AJEatsCake
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
@autocorrects
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
@bea_ker
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
@UncleDuke1969
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
@grillyjoel
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
@tamberinetango
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
@EndhooS
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
@tweetsbyrocket
teacher: what do you want to be when you grow up
me: happy
teacher: [on phone] we need to talk about your son’s unrealistic expectations
@hilaryfairie
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.