@FloodyHippie

Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?

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@PaperWash

me: how was your camping trip

5 y/o: good

me: what’d you guys do

5 y/o: camped

@AJEatsCake

Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.

@autocorrects

What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination

@bea_ker

Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up

@UncleDuke1969

The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.

@grillyjoel

JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger

PRODUCER: nice

JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor

PRODUCER: what

JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler

PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim

@tamberinetango

Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%

@EndhooS

11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA

@tweetsbyrocket

teacher: what do you want to be when you grow up

me: happy

teacher: [on phone] we need to talk about your son’s unrealistic expectations

@hilaryfairie

I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.