@FloodyHippie

Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?

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@hoopnazi

getting real tired of hearing opinions on murder from people outside the murderer community

@murrman5

*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.

@TheDairylandDon

Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.

@oh_georgi

I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.

*gets on knees and undoes your belt*

@bea_ker

“Surely EVERYONE pisses in the shower?” I protest as I’m dragged out of Ikea

@themiltron

[god creating snakes]

how about a sock that’s angry all the time

@iwearaonesie

wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time

@PleaseBeGneiss

COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*

ME: what’s that for?

COP: seriously?

ME:

COP: I think it’s to keep out ants