Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?

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getting real tired of hearing opinions on murder from people outside the murderer community


*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.


Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.


I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.

*gets on knees and undoes your belt*


“Surely EVERYONE pisses in the shower?” I protest as I’m dragged out of Ikea


[god creating snakes]

how about a sock that’s angry all the time


wife *opens First Aid kit*
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time


COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*

ME: what’s that for?

COP: seriously?


COP: I think it’s to keep out ants