
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
teacher: what do you want to be when you grow up
me: happy
teacher: [on phone] we need to talk about your son’s unrealistic expectations
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.