@FloodyHippie
@FU_TangClan Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
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@FU_TangClan 
@hoopnazi getting real tired of hearing opinions on murder from people outside the murderer community
@murrman5 *shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
@TheDairylandDon Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
@oh_georgi I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
@bea_ker “Surely EVERYONE pisses in the shower?” I protest as I’m dragged out of Ikea
@themiltron [god creating snakes]
how about a sock that’s angry all the time
@iwearaonesie wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
@PleaseBeGneiss COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
@stanleybehrman Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok