Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
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Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
in today’s fast-paced world we simply don’t have time for CEOs to be visited by three Christmas ghosts
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him