Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
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Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
(grounding my kid) go outside.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Gemma Correll
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.