Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.

Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.

Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”

Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.

Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”

If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.

Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.

Do kids eat more under quarantine?

Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.

Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.

Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb

me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief

also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom

God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami

Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami

God: *loves boats* No

3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!

Me: You ate all your chips.

3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.

Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.

If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign

person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know

me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–

person: *losing interest*

me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop

My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.

[speed dating, today]

him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!

*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?

Steve: what?

Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed

Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection

Me: the light was green

Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad

“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”

OMG! This is just the middle.

Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.

[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.

Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.

True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.

Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!

love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes

“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.

Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”

My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]

I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey

For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.

😭😭