Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
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If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Try and stop me.
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A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…
me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme![]()
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
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Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.