Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
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My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
This guy just fulfilled everyone’s childhood dream 🤩
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
A woman drives into a bar.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
I hope this email finds you in a well
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
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