Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
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ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Two
Three
Four
Tell the people what she wore…
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
“We need a machine that can count all these damn geigers.” – guy who invented the geiger counter
One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Ok in hindsight “bite me” was a terrible safe word choice
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.