Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.

Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–

[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]

A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever

in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me

What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?

Single.

A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces

I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed

It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.

Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do

What I said: please stop letting flies in.

What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.

Me: I got a new car!

Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?

Me: It’s red.

I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.

It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.

[Phone Call]

Me: My hair has never been this long before

Her: How does it look?

Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…

Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…

Me: …with a big bald spot on top.

I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.

Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science

[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]

A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.

[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]

Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments

I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.

ibopfufen

Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes

Him: Yes but without peas

Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes

I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.

{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.

*leads a conga line off of a bridge

At the disco last night.

They played twist. I did the twist.

They played jump. I jumped.

They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.

[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”