Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9yo: (mouths off to me)

Me:

Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.

Me: Patience

(1 hour later)

9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?

Me: What charger?

Hubs: Nice one.

Ron Swanson with nurse:

Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?

“I have an uncle who does yoga”

I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n

UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”

UK, 2020 –

The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*

I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.

TRUE STORY

Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.

I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.

~ Me, flirting

It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.

*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*

Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?

3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!

Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.

Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals

Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?

What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.

What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”

My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.

do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me

I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.

if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot

On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.

him: I think we should see other people

me: is that on hulu or netflix

Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?

Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.

[wife walking in the door after work]

WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?

ME: a hello would be nice.

Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.

Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane

Me: I’m good

Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers

once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.

Me: And this is my house

Friend: What’s upstairs?

Me: Stairs don’t talk.

“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room

*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!