Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
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Breaking news:
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
thoughts?
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.