Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.
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I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
🤣🤣
Investing in beetcoin
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
The dark side of Canada
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
*watches the world burn*
I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
