Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?

[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cards

HIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention

Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*

*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good

Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.

*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!

If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.

I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.

Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.

when mom throws a party…

this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore

I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.

friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.

A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app

Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans

“You better not laugh. You better not cry.” — Santa Claus, gynecologist

Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is

[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”

You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.

ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?

HER: give me back my baby

Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.

I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner

[Watching the Food Network]

Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!

Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*

Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”

Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?

Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE

you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.

Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice

Death: your time has come.

Me: no! not now!

Death: yes now.

Me: but… I have to poop?

Death: ……damn it. Go on then.

Me: wow that actually worked.

My toddler: *nods sagely*

*lying in bed*

*drops chip down cleavage*

*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it

*also, mmmmm, breakfast*