Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel

You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.

My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”

there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial

I should be able to make a divorce registry at Target.

Me: This spaghetti is spicy.

Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel

Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.

Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.

I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.

I’m completely naked under all this pizza.

I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.

I SAID: How’s vacation going?

MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.

One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it

Me: pass me that cup

Kid: *gives me cup*

Me: I didn’t say simon says haha

[Later]

Me: PASS… MY… INHALER

Kid: not falling for that again

Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.

[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!

Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy

[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”

Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.

[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”

Haha no, he went to Disney World.

I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.

Nobody:

Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this

My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.

H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.

M: okay

H: That’s it, okay?

M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.

H: What?

M: What?

There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE

*texting with girls*

Her: I <3 you

Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3

He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.

Spongebob | (•)(•) |

Patrick / (•)(•)

Squidward ( (•)(•) )

Plankton | (•) |

Mr Krabs |$||$|

My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory

Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.

Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.

Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this