Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re like if “nope” was a person.

old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?

inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.

Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.

Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?

I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on

I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.

I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”

“Why do birds suddenly appear?”

To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.

Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.

I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.

Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?

rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you

fourth wiseman:

I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.

At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.

Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”

if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.

I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.

The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.

So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.

my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is

me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too

I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.

You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?

I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.

Guys.

Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science

I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now

Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!

Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?

Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.

me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the run

Me on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments

*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.

Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.