Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster

My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.

“You want me to do what?!”🤣

I’ve got the longest to do list for today, just need to figure out who is going to do it

Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.

I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.

Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.

ME (calling my horse with no name):

I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.

how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?

How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.

me: 11 can you come here

11: am i in trouble?

me: …no…but…should you be?

11: no.

me: sus.

The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.

Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit

People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.

For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.

I just got arrested for felonious mopery

Me: my wife says I never pay attention

Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list

Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.

DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch

son: can I borrow your tie for my interview

dad: my what

son: I need a tie

dad: one more time

son: *sighs* your business necklace

Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.

There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD

1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II

2) Smork Dirtbag

homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”

Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow

Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.

I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes

As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out