Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what’s your location

me: i’m in the cockpit

control tower: i mean where is the airplane

me: mainly behind me

My daughter just found the dog leash and collar

Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog

[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”

My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.

8:00 AM: Too tired to think

Noon: Too tired to think

5:00 PM: Too tired to think

Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??

[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?

Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.

‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.

Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.

Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.

😂😂

Me: I’m so stressed

Heart: play some music you’ll feel better

Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better

Brain: cut all your hair off

Me: wait what?

Brain: today.

Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings

There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.

Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.

Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.

Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?

SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool

*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”

*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*

“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”

[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]

If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.

I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.

I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.

These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.

I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.

wish this weren’t a scam text. would love to go

Clarissa didn’t explain this at all