This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
You Might Also Like
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Cat is stressing him out.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.