@illiter8too

Hey boy, are you a fitted sheet? Because you’re complicated as hell and hard to manage, but I definitely want you on this mattress.

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@girlnarly

protagonist: tag you’re it

antagonist: no you’re it

pennywise: are you kidding me?

@TheUnrealMattR

Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”

@geekysteven

I don’t know if what I saw silently stalking me in the woods was really Krampus or just another demonic goat creature, but I’m definitely in the holiday spirit now.

@RobTemple101

I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.

@FeralFerrell

I’d give you a piece of my mind, but I’ll need the whole thing for later. Perhaps I could have a piece of yours as you aren’t using it.

@ArfMeasures

[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes

@YoungNobler

Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.

@iwearaonesie

wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

@bornmiserable

HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again

@RudeFunPillow

do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS

*club goes nuts*