Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
You Might Also Like
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
This is the coolest video you will see today.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.