Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.

Me: you forgot updog.

Yoga Instructor: what’s up-

Wife: -NOOOO!

A leaf blower, but for people.

If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.

My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.

4 year old: I had a nightmare

me: don’t worry, it wasn’t real

4 y.o.: I dreamed every movie based on established I.P. will now be reviewed by a committee of nerds censoring anything that might be controversial with fans of the franchise

me: *terror rising within me* no way

I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,

Smiling

You know what’s coming next..

It’s your turn to do the laundry

law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class

me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now

If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.

I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.

“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”

-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie

“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back

Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.

pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic

pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now

DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV

ROMAN: What?!

DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?

ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?

Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.

I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.

Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!

Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.

Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.

Her: is it in yet

Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me

What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.

If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.

Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.

There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.

I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.

I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*

*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house

[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still

My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place

If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.

Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣

i’ve had too much coffee

~ amateurs

Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?

Have kids.