Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
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Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Heard this in a movie…
What do you call a banana eating another banana? Cannibananalism. 😂
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it’s still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn’t even safe to be ON the Titanic!
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….