Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
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I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
kinda wild that i pay tons of money in taxes for bombs each year and have no bombs
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Employees must applaud the planets.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
How about daylight saves us for once
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever