Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
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sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.