Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
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Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
True statement👍😏😁
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.
I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”
Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”