Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.

Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.

Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?

I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.

Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts

There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.

There are no pants in heaven.

A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time

Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.

Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.

[restaurant]

date: this chicken is a little dry

me: I think my burger‘s undercooked

waiter: how is everything

me: it’s great

date: so good

i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly

[Hospital]

Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition

*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”

Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store

[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally

Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.

“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers

If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.

—cats in Christmas trees

I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on

What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.

My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.

Are the people in charge of naming the Valspar paints ok?

burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that

wife: [sits up] oh my god

husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed

burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch

[looking at photo album]

Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy

Son: Why is your hair spiky…

Daughter: …and long in the back?

The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.

Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.

Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.

1st base: sex

2nd base: not wearing makeup

3rd base: calling each other

home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas

Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.