Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
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me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
They got Raph!
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.