Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.

art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face

picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?

Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks

“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”

Midwesterners: hold my beer

I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT

Nothing is scarier than teaching your teen to drive. Except teaching them to drive on the highway. And teaching them to drive at night. Or on the highway at night. Also on the highway at night during the week of Christmas.

we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.

My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.

*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*

I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.

Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…

INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?

All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!

The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.

[ Police interrogation room ]

Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.

Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.

Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.

Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.

A drone was spying on us in the yard this morning, so I did what I needed to to protect my family… finished shovelling the snow with no pants on so it left right away

If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.

I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles

Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months

If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?

“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.

The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.

If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?

The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them

Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.

You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!

[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.

My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her

[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]

“Who are you eating?”

People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.