Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.
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You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
In 1991 my Dad bought a whole frozen doner kebab meat cylinder off a bloke in the pub, which almost ended my parent’s marriage x
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅