Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.

I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.

“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk

Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika

Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now

THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.

I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.

Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long

I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.

Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.

Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.

Local community Facebook groups are like:
“Anyone know what day is garden waste collection?”
↪️ “Ours is Friday but I don’t live anywhere near you”
↪️ “Friday is my daughter Lesley’s birthday.”

My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”

Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.

Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you

[restaurant]

ME: Do you have updog?

WAITER: [sighs] No sir

M: Ok, is this gluten free?

W: No you have to pay for it

M: Damn you’re good

When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.

🤣

I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack

[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama

common English mistakes:

-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place

I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly

My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.

A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.

If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago

How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon

If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead

[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”

Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.

[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]

Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!

“Toilet paper?!”

If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?