hey boy are you the sun because you were a big part of my life this summer but now i feel like i never see you
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I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼♀️
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.