hey boy are you the sun because you were a big part of my life this summer but now i feel like i never see you
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Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
From Facebook just now…
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker