Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.

I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…

-I popped the question

cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way

me: which would you prefer

cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you

Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.

Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot

Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?

Me: I found the place

Owner: So?

Me: Finders keepers

Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn

We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.

Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.

drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”

Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts

I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.

Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.

*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson

The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin

BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver

A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.

Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?

major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already

for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them

Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??

Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles

*Ordering Chinese Food

Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby

the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal

I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.

so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it

When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.

Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.

I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!

Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.

Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.

The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.

Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain

The Sun: What’s his deal?

The Rain: Weird

The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know