Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
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*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius