Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.

kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am

I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.

worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol

Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident

Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him

Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired

Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]

Hipster: I’ll take 4

Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there

Really hoping this is Halloween related

The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.

His funeral will take plac

confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”

Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.

I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.

Me: I say it will be $750

Hubs: I say $630

Costco cashier: That’ll be $750.29

Me: Oh ya! I am a Costco genius! Woop woop!

Hubs: Yes, let’s celebrate paying the HIGHER amount

Light as a feather, smorg as a board

Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date

Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol

If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.

There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.

I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.

drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee

21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one

Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.

Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”

My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.

Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?

I dated a woman once.

Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.

Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*

I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.

anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough

The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.

[First Date]

Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?

Him: No. He’s very handsome too

Me: CHECK PLEASE

I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”