Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.

Carry on floating head selfie chick.

“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”

Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.

Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.

I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.

Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.

My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.

The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned

My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.

Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!

Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?

My husband had a coworker who entered his baby in the local fair’s baby competition a while ago and I think they just make up superlatives for all of the babies because his won “sturdiest baby”

Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.

He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly

I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.

I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.

I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.

Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.

It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:

Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?

Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line

I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it

For being the most motivated sperm,

Some of us have really tapered off.

never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.

i know this now.

Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience

People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical

Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.

5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going

best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy

I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!

They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa

I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.

Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?

7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!

Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?

7yo: I don’t know.

My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.

About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.

I am ashamed of the scream I made.