hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
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People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
realest tweet ever.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
ok this is my dumbest yet
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
ChatGPT is down rn and if you listen closely, you can hear millions of content creators screaming
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.