Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
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I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
like last october and the one before that gotta go to human resources for talking in dracula
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.