Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
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I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
trying to live my life in a way so if i get shot people don’t talk about how sexy and correct my killer was
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
BREAKING: NYPD has located the tunnel the assassin used to escape the city but found it to be merely a painting on a brick wall and smashed up several squad cars upon trying to enter it
Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen