Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
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YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
based
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
astonishing how whenever you go to the post office the queue in front of you is made up almost entirely of people who appear to have ended up at the post office by accident, have in fact never visited a post office before, and have no idea what they want out of the experience
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down