Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
You Might Also Like
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no