Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.

[cloud watching]

GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.

ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.

I heard a sexy “i saw mommy kissing sata claus” which is unsettling—either the adult saw her senior mother kiss Santa (her dad?) and is horned up about it OR she’s singing about herself being Mommy having an out of body dissociation, either way, up her prescriptions

“Will you stop CHOKING?”

First Aid in my house, apparently.

*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room

I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.

Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.

looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition

[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water

Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier

Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently

[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*

The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:

1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween

I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes

clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note

Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved

Me: What sneakers are you wearing?

Her: Converse

Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.

A haiku about getting the kids up for school:

Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus

tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate

6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.

I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.

Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?

IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends

[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide

Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.

I only need one finger to get my point across.

Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game

I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.

Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.

Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before