Hey bro pleas stop using all the good skipping rocks at the river
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[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.