Hey bro pleas stop using all the good skipping rocks at the river
You Might Also Like
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
lol
My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
your elf on the shelf was delicious
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Camping tip: No.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.