Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
You Might Also Like
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.