Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.

The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.

One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.

Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.

The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.

End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.

When you’ve simply given up.

everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg

Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?

Yeah, me neither.

Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.

Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.

The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.

The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called

I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.

Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.

[First Date]

I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*

Toddler: *babbling nonsense*

Me: Ok, got it!

Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.

My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!

CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow

SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever

CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?

“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”

My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.

If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.

If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.

Sorry I called your baby ugly

I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.

The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.

Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen