“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
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We just upgraded our iPhones so now I’ll be able to do the exact same things I did with my old phone but for an extra $23 a month.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
me: *clicks Add to dictionary*
microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead