“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
You Might Also Like
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
my first dose meeting my second
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
*seductively corrects your posture*
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door bc I’m not a liar.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.