Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

This hospital has everything

Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.

Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.

HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.

ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.

13: so dad, I was thinking.

Me: about what, son?

13: I’m taller than you…

Me: yeah, and?

13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.

My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.

Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”

The Lord: “You still have that?”

My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”

Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing

*flash forward*

Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe

I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”

It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it

When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.

[holding hands]

Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all

If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.

Judge: How do you plead?

Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?

Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be

i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1184937093220438017/pu/vid/640x360/3HzIBEGqofdp2jSC.mp4?tag=10

Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow

Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?

Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out

Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi

I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks

Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.

Always the barmaid, never the bar.

Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.

(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*

I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).

I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”

Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.