“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
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running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
there’s probably a fee though
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.