HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
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I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
So the ex texted me
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
bridal shower ok. baby shower, sure. but what we really need is unemployment showers – imagine you get laid off or quit your job and you throw a party and all your friends have to bring you gifts