Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me opening up to someone

I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.

[waking up on sunday morning]

me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night

*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*

“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.

“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”

[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in

Carpenter: …what

Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.

Wife: what are you doing

Me: teaching the dog poker

Wife: where are your pants

Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago

ME: *making lightsaber noises*

COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.

Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?

Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.

I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.

Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black

*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT

A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.

Someone: how are you?

Me: thanks, you too.

A mechanical frog is called a ribot.

Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.

For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes

*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*

Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.

Bank account: *shakes head furiously*

Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*

Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.

(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.

WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock

superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early

man: is that a bird?

my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce

date: your glasses make you look smart

me: well i had to fail a test to get them so

Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.

I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.

It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.

[in court during a murder trial]

hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG

me: right here