HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
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Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.